I think there is a conspiracy against all parents amongst medical professionals. Their answer to every question, without fail, is “Yeah…. They all do that…” I actually find it kind of amusing. They all always start with the word “Yeah”, have the same amount of pause, and finish out the phrase with those same four words. “They all do that.”
I’ve never studied a human being more in my life and that’s probably for the best. If I stared at anyone else this much, including my wife, I think it would be a little creepy. The result of staring at someone this much is you notice everything. Things like:
- He cries after he yawns sometimes
- His head and face turn bright red
- He is making noises after every breath
- His eye has so much “yuckahs” in it.
- He makes a clicking noise that sounds half goat, half dolphin.
- He’s sleepy at the breast.
- He’s cranky at the breast.
- He has dry skin.
- His bones pop and crack like I broke something.
- He gets violent hiccups.
- He’s only opening one eye.
- He doesn’t burp all the time.
- He farts too much.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking… “They all do that.” It turns out, you’re right.